I am having one of those 'not-your-finest-mama' days today. Maybe it's the weather? I'll blame it on the rain.
I haven't yelled or hit my kids, or anything like that. I have just really struggled to want to be here. And I'm crying as I type that. I have now turned into my 14 year old self, feeling trapped in this role of motherhood that feels like a babysitting job that will never end. When can I finally get paid, and go home for some sleep?
My usual answer to these moments (which they are always that - moments, remember?) is prayer. Prayer led me to my scripture reading, and in the scriptures I read of the Sons of Mosiah, in Alma 17, who were embarking on a mission, which time frame was undetermined, and to people who didn't particularly want them there. In verse 13 it says:
'And it came to pass when they had arrived in the borders of the Land of the Lamanites, that they separated themselves and departed one from another, trusting in the Lord that they should meet again at the close of their harvest; for they supposed that great was the work which they had undertaken.'
When Brent and I decided to start a family, and at the onset of 'most' days, I too 'suppose that great [is] the work which [I am] undertaking' as a mother. Most days I 'get it'. But some days, like today, I lose that eternal perspective. I forget how right this is, and the desire is lost. Maybe Heavenly Father is allowing me to exercise faith. It is easy to have faith, when the Spirit is buoying you up. The test is to have faith, when he's not.
'And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them' (Abraham 3:25)
I guess that's the message I got today. It is OK to not feel like you have a 'mother heart' every day. You can still mother with heart, until it comes. And I promise, it does!
